The days of trying

There's a lot of things in our culture that we are uncomfortable talking about - a lot of which have to do with our reproductive organs.

There's a discomfort there. Because it makes us feel embarrassed. Ashamed. Helpless. Confused. 

After Bobby and I got married and bought a house, we decided that I would stop taking birth control. We decided we would just let it happen. I was 24 and excited. For as long as I can remember, I've wanted a family. A big one. I never thought that at the age of 24 I would have to worry about my fertility. Nothing happened for a year. Not even a maybe. I was starting to panic and get depressed. What if I never got pregnant? We tried for another 6 months before I went to the doctor. Since we were so young I really didn't want to think anything was "wrong". My doctor suggested that I go see reproductive specialists and from there we entered a blur of blood tests, ultrasounds, X-rays and more blood tests. I recently met someone who is currently going through this and I was inspired to share my experience. It's hard. It sucks. People don't realize it how draining it is. Emotionally, physically and financially. You feel completely and utterly helpless. And the worst is constantly feeling like something is wrong with you. 

I cried a lot. Yet, I really didn't talk to anyone about it. I put on a happy face and went on as much as I could. I didn't want anyone to know there was something wrong - with me. This was a point and time in my life where I started doing more yoga. Yoga has always been my therapy and helped me keep my sanity and feel good about myself. It helped me let go of my worries. 

Those days were hard. I had my moments where I felt like I would never get pregnant. I worried that five years would go by and we would still be trying. It was exhausting and frustrating. Every time I heard about someone else getting pregnant I'd get sad. Every time someone asked me when we were going to have kids, I wanted to punch them. But I would smile. Laugh it off.

We started going to the specialist in October 2011 and found out I had PCOS. I'm glad we started so young so I could get a handle on it now. It's a very common hormonal disorder among women - but of course it felt like I was the only one. I had never heard of it before. There are lots of things you can do to treat it. With medication, diet and or exercise. When I was diagnosed I was already on a gluten free diet and exercising regularly so we decided to add the medicine. Of course, that did the trick and my body responded positively. The diet they recommend is basically gluten free. When I started taking the medicine, I felt like I was doing some kind of disservice or lying to the world by taking medicine but the truth is medicine is there for a reason. I love to try to be all natural or whatever but medicine is there because sometimes you need it - and in those instances it's awesome. I started taking the medicine in December and in February I was pregnant. 

It's been over two years since I was in that place. I'm not trying to reopen old wounds or anything - just honor that experience. And for anyone out there also experiencing it to know all that pain and darkness is part of your journey to becoming a Mother. It will be a part of you that makes you better. We have to embrace it all. Of course it is easy for me to say that because now I'm on the other side. 

As Benicio neared the one year mark, I started to get nervous again. Every time someone asked when we were going to have another child I wanted to cry because it would just remind me. What if we have to spend another almost two years trying? What if I have to go back to the specialists? What if I don't get pregnant again? I talked to my doctor and we decided to continue treating my PCOS with the medicine. It's safe to take while breastfeeding but I was more comfortable waiting. Again, Bobby and I decided we'd just let it go and see what happens. And what a surprise we got.

I know that not everyone is that lucky which makes me even more grateful and appreciative. I know that for some people it takes years and several IUI and IVF before anything. In fact, I found out I was pregnant the weekend before our appointment to start discussing an IUI. It was a crazy experience but it made me appreciate and absolutely love being pregnant and being a mother that much more. I have to remember all that hard work.